Clarky Vs. Posh Spice

I'd be the first to admit that I was perhaps not the most fashionable kid in the playground.

Back in the heady days of Year 8 (I think I would have been 13?) my Dad bought me a coat which I thought was 'cool' - it was from Debenhams! (Well, once. Being my father he had bought it for next to nought from a 'factory clearout warehouse' or something of that ilk).

It was only when I wore it to school that someone kindly pointed out that it was actually a girl's coat.

Unfortunately, Metrosexuality wasn't exactly endorsed in the Penistone Grammar School dinner queue and for the rest of the winter - you don't realise how long winters are in Penistone until you've experienced them - I was subjected to daily ribbing/dead arms for the crime of wearing a 'gay coat'.

This was the first of many crimes against fashion I have made, some of the more memorable including:

Cream drainpipe jeans,

Hawaiian Shirts,

Hats, generally,

'That' skintight girls t-shirt at Leeds Festival...

Hell, even my haircut (2001-recently) was probably illegal in 34 states.

As a contrast, Victoria Beckham, who most people consider well versed in all things clothes, has recently spent £250,000 on a walk-in wardrobe for her new pad in Los Angeles. Yes, a quarter of a million pounds. More money than I have ever had, and depressingly, more than I can ever imagine having.

Instead of nipping down to Ikea (although, given her wealth, I'd forgive her for going to Habitat), the artist formerly known as Posh has incorporated NASA style technology to create what is technically known as a 'bitchin' wardrobe'.

Whereas Proles like you or I may consider a wardrobe to merely be a cupboard for clothes, Mrs Beckham clearly views it as some kind of Mission Control. As well as containing a leather floor, a Baccarat crystal chandelier, and an £40,000 Andy Warhol show print, the wardrobe is also fitted with a computer system that scans and archives Posh's thousands of outfits and allows her to view herself in a 360-degree image on a plasma screen. It will even keep a record of how many times an outfit has been worn.

I have two plastic crates on my floor which contain all my clothes. Except my coat, which I keep on the back of a chair.

I'd be the first to say that plastic crates aren't ideal for storing clothes (especially given the continued rodent presence in Chez Clarky) but I can't help but feel that Beckham's gone a bit too far.

But then, I would say that. After all, what does a bloke who wears 'gay coats' know about fashion?